Over the years I’ve toyed with the idea of journaling, blogging and even writing a book about the everyday trials, tribulations, and miracles of life. Usually, the thought was inspired by a life transition or milestone. I remember being somewhere in the age range of 35-37 years old. I was single and at that point had gone on more first dates and blind dates than I could count. It got to the point where I started to observe these moments almost like SNL skits. I’d be standing outside myself watching the date happen and laughing at the banter and the behavior. I thought, “I need to write a book about this”. I knew SO MANY women like me who were living these sitcom stories and I felt compelled to document them. I regret that I never did, and now it’s irrelevant because I’m in an entirely different stage of my life.
Since then, I got married, to an amazing man, albeit at the tip of my biological clock. In less than 3 years, we suffered 4 miscarriages and were blessed with a beautiful boy. After waiting what seemed like a lifetime, I was ecstatic about my little miracle except that I found myself overwhelmed, exhausted and incredibly sad his entire first year of life. We never bonded in the way you expect a Mom and her baby to bond. He was inconsolable for the first 4 months, didn’t nap and didn’t sleep consistently through the night for at least a year. He was colic and even after we figured it out, I still was unable to bond in the way I’d always dreamed about, and that deepened my sadness. The worst part was , no one was talking about it. I mean, Brooke Shields wrote a book about it but I couldn’t relate to that, or to her. I needed someone in my tribe to tell me I wasn’t alone and that it would get better. Once again, I thought, I need to write about this but I was too tired and too afraid to put it out there and so I soldiered on.
Today, I find myself in the midst of one hell of a transition.
From my company transitioning into a new entity, to our parents needs shifting, to my own aging which by the way includes hot flashes and graying hair, I’m in the middle of a tidal wave! Seriously, I feel like I’m treading water. Most days I think, “I got this” and others the wave comes up and pushes me under so I’m holding my breath and trying to save myself from drowning.
I’ve always felt I have something to say, something to give but I’ve never been able to articulate what it is. I still can’t. But this time, this wave of change is not going to pass me by without a statement. I’ve decided I’m not going to be a passenger in this transition. I’m going to be an active participant in it. I’m going to share it, learn from it and grow within it.
I don’t quite know what that looks like. Writing this is a good first step. I’m reading books, meditating, practicing my yoga and being an active observer like I did on all those first dates. I’m also working on forgiveness when I can’t do it all. I’m trusting that doing this work and sharing it with you all, will give me clarity and give anyone who reads this a little comfort in knowing we are not alone, we’re all in this together.